STRUGGLE IS GOOD

I’ve been a failure lately. More so than usual, I mean.

I’ve been thinking about what it all means. The exceptional run of spiritual compromise over the last few days reminds me that deep down…I’m a really sorry bastard.

Emotionally it’s meant discouragement and disgust. That’s fair. Those are the appropriate and default responses to sin, but Fr Joseph Huneycutt reminds me that I should also find hope in the ugliness.

The realization that I struggle with X- whatever it is- is good news. It’s the best possible sign given my situation.

We don’t like struggles or conflict. We tend to view them as negative aspects of life- or at least I do. The tempting response, as Fr Joseph explains it, is either to try to dull out the experience with food, shopping, sex etc or to get out of the situation that gave rise to the conflict in the first place. We leave churches, marriages, and other relationships in order to find peace- at least peace for ourselves. We leave behind a lot of hurting and confused people. Sometimes the leaving is necessary, but often these options are simply selfish.

Commitment to the good demands that we are, well…committed to it. Often situations, especially those beyond our control, make that commitment something that must be worked for- something we must struggle to attain.

Struggle is precisely what faithfulness looks like in the lives of compromised and finite people who are committed to the good.

I say “compromised and finite” because every struggle involves the possibility- the inevitability, really- of failing somewhere along the way.

Our Father understands that.

One familiar response, which knowing God as Father should certainly rule out, is the fear of being cast away. We begin with his love. We begin with his forgiveness. He knows us and loves us anyway. Not because we deserve it, not because we no longer struggle and can guarantee our failure will never happen again. But simply because he’s our Father.

Neither Love nor Forgiveness is a goal we journey to attain; they’re the ground the journey takes place on.

My failures speak of me. Maybe, the fear of rejection that sometimes comes after sinning is because I don’t really believe that I’m all that sinful- not really. You know what I mean: the moment before the deed I was loveable, but now I’m not worthy of God’s attention.

Hmmm. The truth is I was never worthy.

Michael Yaconelli has called authentic Christian experience Messy Spirituality. That seems right to me. We’ve fallen to certain temptations in the past because we have a particular weakness for them. Satan’s not going to take them out of the rotation. He’s much too good a manager for that. They get the job done. So, it’s likely that we’ll be facing that same fast ball in the near future. There’s nothing to do but try to smack the thing.

Like every father cheering on his little league player, our God certainly hopes for a base hit, but the only thing he finds totally unacceptable is for us to refuse to leave the dugout.

I may hear the sickening smack of the ball in the catcher’s glove behind me. It certainly got by. Probably took my eye off the ball...again. Coach has warned me about that.

Fair enough.

But the smack isn’t all there is to hear. I need to be listening for the encouraging and enthusiastic “Good swing!” coming from the stands. I’ll be a better player for it.