DESIRE 101- Part 7

Living Among gods and goddesses
Copyright © 2006


There are certain things that everyone understands. It doesn’t matter when they lived or where they’re from. People in Hawaii know just how great fresh baked bread smells when they’re hungry- just like you do. People in India know how wonderful a mother’s hug feels when they’ve scraped a knee- just like you do. People in Africa feel the sadness of losing a loved one; people in Mexico know the fiery anger that comes from seeing a loved one wronged; people in China know the comfort of belonging and of home. Eskimos understand the need to create. Russians enjoy a good story. Norwegians stop to notice beauty. Everyone enjoys a party and everyone dreads a test.

You can be sure that when you find something that everybody understands, you’ve found something that is a very important part of being a human person.

Being attracted to others and “being in love” are those kind of things. The men and women who lived thousands of years ago in ancient Greece felt the power of these two experiences so strongly that they said a god and a goddess must be a work. They named these two make believe persons Aphrodite and Eros. And they lived in awe of them. Who were these beings? Aphrodite was the goddess of physical attraction and Eros was the god of Romantic love.

We know that they were mistaken to believe that these two “divine” persons really existed. But we would have to agree, that we too, understand the power they personify. Would you mind if I still referred to these experiences by their ancient nicknames? We just need to return them to their proper place as fellow creatures.[i]

You and I have been talking about the excitement and wonder we feel when Aphrodite comes along and put us under her spell. She tends to choose the most awkward times to pay us a visit, but her visits are almost always enjoyable and welcome. Our bodies come alive with expectation. Sometimes another person is the cause. Sometimes…well, our bodies respond as if we’ve been physically attracted, but there’s no one around. It must be that Aphrodite has happened by.

We should be thankful that God has created us to feel the way we do. I hope that by now you can see why he chose to do so. It is a gift to be received. Sexual excitement is his servant. But I want you also to see that because they are so powerful and enjoyable, each of Aphrodite’s visits are dangerous.

Besides the danger of mistaking the signpost for the destination, there is a great danger in failing to see the other person as the great sign post that they most definitely are. Maybe a look at the charm that Aphrodite’s son Eros can cast over us will help you see what I mean.

Eros is the god of falling in love. You might be more familiar with his Latin name, Cupid. When Cupid lets fly one of his arrows…..what? What happens when two people fall in love?

When Aphrodite gets you, it’s a certain physical pleasure that you notice and seek. But when Eros pops you in the heart, it’s a particular person that you want. Do you see the difference? You want to be with them; you want to watch them, you want to touch them…In fact, you want to be one with them. Does this sound familiar? All the sweet cuddling, snuggling, touching and kissing are attempts to do this. Have you ever seen two people passionately kissing? Doesn’t it look like they’re trying to eat each other up? Certainly Aphrodite has a role in all of this. She can trigger the same physical longings for unity, but the longings she triggers have only to do with the physical pleasure we’ve talked about. Sexual excitement knows only about the body. But the interest Romantic love brings is centered on the other person- mind, soul, and body. It is this person that you wish to squeeze so hard that the two of you melt into each other. Eros asks Aphrodite to come to join him because the body is how we know the person.

Now think about that. We’re fond of our independence, right? Normally we’d punch anyone who tried to stand too close, sit all tangled up with us in front of the TV or who just…you know, stared. Forget about allowing someone to become so entangled with us in the mind of everyone else that we become just one part of a larger whole- a couple. No way.

But when Eros strikes, not only are we willing to give up our independence, we want to give it up, more than anything. It must be a very special person who causes us to lower our defenses so.

“Oh, they are special,” we explain. There seems to be no one and no thing as important as the one we love. They are so wonderful, so smart, so handsome or beautiful. It’s so obvious to us. And we think other people are yahoos for not seeing it too.

But they often don’t. They shake their head and wonder what we see in our special someone. We wonder what they don’t see. What’s going on?
One of God’s friends, C.S. Lewis, once wrote that if we could see the drunk lying in the ditch as he could one day be, fully redeemed and glorified, we would be tempted to fall down and worship him. He was pointing to the fact that there is no such thing as an unimportant human being. Each one of us is made in the image of the all glorious God. Each one of us will one day be revealed as the dazzlingly beautiful beings we truly are in Christ.

But wait a minute. What about the human monsters we see lurking through our world’s history. What about the likes of Charles Manson and Adolf Hitler? Are they truly “dazzling beings” too? I think we would have to say yes.

Have you ever heard a favorite piece of music performed by someone who really couldn’t play? Knowing how it ought to sound makes listening even harder. In a similar way, the calling that evil men have as God’s image bearers makes the wickedness they create even more horrific.

The dazzling beauty is there, at least potentially. Even Hitler was loved by Eva Braun. And that’s the point I was trying to get to.

Romantic love allows us to see a particular individual with all the beauty that is the birthright of every human being. Everyone has this value. We’re just blind to it. When Eros works his grace, that special someone glows in our heart with the value that every human being intrinsically possess. Through the charm of Eros we see people as God desires them to be.

This is why the beloved can seem so perfect to you and a yet a perfect ding-dong to others who are watching from the outside. Who’s right? Well, probably both are. The important thing to remember is that the vision Eros gives us has to do with potentiality. We receive a glimpse of what they can one day be in Christ. No one lives up to the awesomeness that is their potential- many fall terribly short.

Like every gift, Eros can be a blessing or a curse. The curse comes when we allow his vision to cause us to choose foolishly. The life that we have to live now will be lived with the person those around us see. We need to pay close attention to the judgments and opinions of those who love us. They see the world as it is now more clearly than we do when we are looking with the sight Eros gives us.

But Eros’s grace is that we see the wonder and value of individual persons in a remarkably clear way. This is how Romantic love helps us see the danger that is present with every visit of Sexual excitement: The experience of physical desire can be so strong that we forget, or even worse, ignore, the fact that it is a person that we are attracted to. The temptation is to think of them as a thing there for our pleasure. We do this every time we see them as nothing but bodies: every time we forget that the body is there to reveal the person. We do this every time we enjoy them in a way that is not good for them: every time we enjoy them in an unloving way. These ways of “enjoying” have little to do with the Loving Exchange that our relationships were created to mirror.

In fact, although we describe the spells of Aphrodite and Eros as love, they really aren’t. At least not the kind of love that God and other persons are capable of. Rather they are the raw material that we fashion this supreme love out of. Both are experiences that just happen to us. We don’t decide who we are attracted to or who we “fall in love” with. When these things happen we are no different than the particles, trees, or animals that are carried away by other things. We’re just along for the ride.

But the special calling of humanity is to choose to truly reflect the love of God. While the spells of Aphrodite and Eros can take us out of ourselves and cause us to focus on another, they are only the beginnings of true love because both can still be acted on in a horrifically selfish way. To truly love someone is to hope for and work towards the greatest good for them. It must be chosen. Sexual excitement and Romantic love can get us going along that path, but we have to choose to keep both from becoming terrible images of selfishness. Aphrodite can tell us of our need for another. Eros can make another our greatest joy; but only god-like love can lead us to let go of the one we love, if that’s what their good requires.

Again, it comes back to the option of lying or telling the truth with our bodies. It’s not Aphrodite or Eros that we serve and image. We are the image of the Triune God who created Aphrodite and Eros and whose love was most clearly revealed on a cross. It is this Triune God that we must image if we are to live in a truly human way.

Romantic love and Sexual desire shine brighter than any of the other natural images. They have the potential of declaring most clearly the beauty of exchange. We don’t have to guess about the divine glory they are pointing towards: the greatest thing is to love and be loved in return. Where other creatures whisper or speak, Desire and Romantic love shout at us with great power and authority. It feels so right to listen to them and so wrong to deny them our obedience.

But it is never right to simply obey them. It seems as if most people don’t believe this. They seem to think that there is nothing greater than being in love. What ever you need to do is ok as long as it is motivated by ones romantic love for another. People have left their spouses and children- even killed for Eros. We have to remember that he is just a creature, and that great evil always comes from worshiping other creatures- even ones as magnificent as Eros. To serve him as if he is the end of life is to be guilty of nothingbutteryism. And like all forms of idolatry it will keep us from being the glorious beings that men and women alone can be.

There will be many times when truly reflecting the divine love of the Trinity will mean saying “no” to these beautiful and precious images. If we don’t, they will cease to be beautiful and we will loose a further part of the glory that is our humanity. Remember, Divine love is a love that seeks the greatest good for the one we love, even if it means our own sacrifice. True love chooses to protect the other, even if from ourselves. Since the greatest good is God himself, do you see how encouraging someone to do something that would hurt their relationship with him can never truly be called love? Can you see how helping someone do something that will cause humanity’s glory to glow more dimly can never be called true love? Can you see how obeying Aphrodite or Eros while hurting another we have sworn commitment to can never be an instance of true love?

All of God’s creatures were made for our blessing and for us to bless. This certainly includes these two. But because of the power that comes from the clarity of their image, we need to remind ourselves that they are our servants- not our masters. We must handle them with grateful caution. Sometimes this means telling them that now isn’t a good time for their visit. There’s no good in denying them their power and charm; or to act as if they haven’t paid us a visit when they have. Thankfulness to God requires we answer the door; but he has left it up to us to decide whether godlike love would invite them to stay.



EXTRA STUFF
FOR WHEN YOU WONDER[ii]

At the end of the last chapter I pointed out that even though sex is holy, you don’t have to act like your going to a funeral to keep it so. In fact the opposite is true. At the end of this chapter I want you to know that the humanity of another person isn’t necessarily denied when we turn to them to fulfill a need. There is a proper “use” of another- even sexually[iii].

Many godly people would disagree. They see the ultimate standard between right and wrong behavior as being whether or not another person is “used” at all. They talk about Disinterested Giving. By this they seem to mean that we should give without any desire of a return. True giving is impossible if we get any enjoyment out of the enterprise. We would then be giving in order to get. Our giving is simply disguised selfishness.

My problem with that is a simple one: it would find our Lord falling short. Do you know why Christ endured the pain of the cross? The writer of Hebrews said that it was for the “joy set before him”[iv]. Christ did what he did because of the joy he would receive from its completion.

A brother of yours once wrote "all men seek happiness. This is without exception. Whatever different means they employ, they all tend to this end. . . . The will never takes the least step but to this object. This is the motive of every action of every man, even of those who hang themselves." I think this is true.

Another has written that we can know what we value most by the pleasure it gives us. Pleasure is not God's competitor, idols are. Pleasure is simply a gauge that measures how valuable someone or something is to us. Pleasure is the measure of our treasure. Does that make sense?

If I want to know what type of person I’m becoming, I shouldn’t ask "how self-denying am I being with this other person?” Do you understand why? I can deny myself all sorts of things –all out of selfishness or pride. Rather I should ask "What type of interaction with this person gives me the greatest pleasure?"

Is the standard of right and wrong “disinterested self-sacrifice” in all our actions or is it treating another person in a way that does not violate her best interest- that is, treating them in a loving way? As odd as it may sound, it seems to me that the former takes me as the focal point (my disinterested self sacrifice) while the latter takes the other person as the starting point. In fact, if you think about it, the only way that I could give to another and not care whether they were please by the gift is for me to not care for them at all. Not only does the “Disinterested Standard” start with me, it can only consider me.

You see, that’s what this is about. Is it wrong to turn towards another because I need them? I don’t see how this can be true.

If turning to another person because I feel a need, which that other person can satisfy (and they alone can truly satisfy because they are a person), is an objectifying of that other person, then doesn't it follow that my turning to our God for mercy or a child's turning to his mother out of fear during a thunderstorm is a using of both God and the mother? Do you think a mother is dehumanized when her child instinctively reaches up for her when frightened? Do you think God is diminished when we turn to him because we need him? Hasn't our God told us in innumerable places to come, taste and see? Aren’t we to "Delight (ourselves) in the Lord"? (Psalm 37:4) Am I wrong to go to God because I wish to be delighted...or comforted, or blessed, or rewarded, or forgiven....?[v]

In fact, instead of insulting or demeaning another, we actually praise and honor them when they give us pleasure by being what they were created to be. We show what we value by how much pleasure it gives us.

Something else, which may be a little more difficult: if Masculinity and Femininity are complementary manifestations of God's image, then doesn't that mean that the sexual attraction that is meant to image the exchange of our God is foundationally sinful because the attraction is the outworking of an incompleteness that makes the other gender necessary- there is attraction because there is a need.

I could go on for a while, but maybe I’ve given you enough to begin thinking this through. Sin doesn’t occur when we enjoy or “use” another person. It’s okay to hire a gardener to tend your garden. It’s okay to go to a dentist because your tooth hurts. It’s never okay to treat your gardener or dentist in an unloving way. Sin occurs when we enjoy or “use” another person in a way that denies that they are a person. It is possible to turn to another as a means to an end while always remembering their value as a person. It is possible to enjoy another as a person.

Remember how God’s loving exchange looked one way in himself throughout eternity past and another way when he turned towards his fallen creation? Enjoying ecstatic bliss and wiping smelly feet may seem worlds apart, but they’re really not. It wasn’t wrong for Christ to clean Peter’s feet. Nor was it wrong for Peter to allow him to do so. In fact Peter’s refusal to accept this loving gift was proof not of his concern for Christ but of his own pride.

There may times when we are feeling lonely, insecure or sad, there may be times when we are just bored or maybe even happy, there may be times when Aphrodite has simply come by for a visit… and we turn to the warm body of our spouse to be affirmed, consoled, distracted, celebrated, pleasured, or secured. Some people would say this falls way short of what love making was meant to convey. But this is exactly what real love making is about, loving our spouses with our bodies. It is good and holy.[vi]
[i] This is the symbolism assigned by C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves (San Diego: Harcourt, 1960) pp-131-135
[ii] What follows is my caveat to the Theology of the Body as taught by John Paul the Great and his expositors. While I appreciate and admire the great work these men and women have done regarding the grammar and meaning of both the body and sexuality, I cannot endorse the Personalistic standard that they meld with their understanding of the body’s gospel- at least not the Kantian foundation that it presupposes. I encourage the reader to bear in mind that on one hand we have the opinion of quite possibly the greatest saint of the 20th century and on the other the opinion of a press operator (who deep down knows himself to be a sorry bastard) from Georgia. That being said, while almost persuaded, I remain unconvinced; conscience compels me to point out what I believe to be shortcomings- and significant ones at that.

[iii] Romans 1:26-27
[iv] Hebrews 12:2 "looking unto Jesus the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising shame, and hath sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."
[v]
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